Controlled Chaos: What I’m Doing

Veronica Barrowcliff

Breathe.

Walk:

Step one, …

… six, step seven

Pivot one;

Think

Walking steps one through seven.

Repeat, repeat.

Fourteen footsteps back and forth,

Screeching blaring in my head.

Fourteen steps for

Fourteen story thoughts

Think thoughts you know;

The thoughts you’re accustomed to

For onto paper, you’ll see them:

Grow, mesh; merged and written together.

I have no idea what I’m even doing.

Wait– Distraction after Distraction…

Stop walking; You’re Dissociating,

You’ll think more;

there’s already too much that’s stuck in your head.

The intense music yells at me

from my “Controlled Chaos” playlist;

Throughout my small room, circling

I have no idea what the hell I’m doing!

The circles I spin in influence me,

Speed up, maybe you’ll work better.

You MUST DO SOMETHING!!

Freaking workaholic.

But I find no inspiration inside my room.

Nor, inspired by inhaling peace outside the cage.

What am I even doing?

Is this how you do it?

No

Is this how to write?

Nope

Will people like this?

Doubt it

The whirlwind smacks around in my head,

Oh, look! Another idea…

Multitasking with me.

My thoughts overwhelming;

Too many– more than the first fourteen.

The good, the bad, the ugly.

The Good. Daydreamings, spacing out; imaginations without reality.

The Good. Writing. A prompt. The inspiration. Freedom by escapism.

The fourteen-plus abundance of ideas overlap. Interweave.

Overpower.

Overload: Procrastination. The Bad.

Invasive, unwarranted thoughts–

Thoughts I don’t have the time to think;

The Worse. The Ugly.

Pressures of a Diverging Mind

Dizzying me, and,

Making me ache.

Do I even like this?–

Stop!

Pause. Stop.

Subdue.

Siri, I need a new playlist; 

Let’s start a different track.

… better. …

I know exactly what I’m doing:

Deep breaths: Breathe. Relax:

I walk;

I think;

I write.

I am doing this.

Controlling the Chaos…

And I will do it,

Again and again.